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Conflict is a natural stage in the development of relationship
between two people, or between members of a group. But because most of
us have been taught to avoid conflict, when we encounter it in groups,
we retreat to the safety of shallow relationships with one another.
Conflict is often a healthy sign that participants are getting "real"
with one another. Its effective resolution results in increased intimacy and trust, which equates to superior group performance.
In all fairness, it does takes a fair degree of intestinal
fortitude to walk through the fire of conflict. To skillfully make this
journey, you must have developed, to some degree, a certain degree of
self-mastery so that you can walk "through" the conflict with the group
and not retreat!
Where does conflict come from? Most conflict is the result of
inaccurate assumptions made by the conflicting parties. To resolve
conflict, it's necessary to uncover these assumptions while maintaining
an atmosphere of respect.
A major impediment to conflict resolution
is our need to be right. If we can embrace a desire to "understand" the
other, or in Steven Covey's words, "Seek first to understand, then be
understood," this will go a long way in resolving or avoiding conflict
all together.
Here's an example of what one might do to facilitate conflict resolution
in a group. Say you're in a working group and Sally is mad at
Joe because she doesn't feel he's pulling his weight. The first step in
resolving conflict is to get consent from the parties involved to work
through it. You ask, "Sally and Joe, would you be willing to work this
issue through with our support right now?" If they agree, get each of
them in turn to explain their perspective, assumptions, and feelings,
without blaming the other. Single Parent Dating UK
Since emotions are usually charged during conflict, the challenge for
you will be to get each side to stay with the facts, to own their own
feelings around the history of the conflict, and to hear each other.
When you get to the bottom of most conflicts, you'll usually find that
both sides want something or have something in common that can form the
beginning of an understanding between them. Getting them to break
through the emotion to get to this place and to hear the perspective of
the other side will be your task.
Things to keep in mind for conflict resolution:
trust that the parties involved can work through the conflict, maintain
mutual respect between conflicting parties, facilitate ownership
language, make sure everything is spoken and heard by each party, have
each party make requests of the other, then check for resolution.
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You’re a single parent. Whether divorced or widowed, eventually you’re going to want to start dating. One of the most common questions is “How and when do I introduce my new partner into my child’s life?”
Here are the top ten tips on dating after kids:
1) Is your new partner a keeper or just a fling?
Don’t introduce your kids to anyone new if they’re not going to be
around for the long haul. Remember you already got divorced once, so
make sure you’ve dated for at least 6 months before introducing your
kids to a new partner. Yes, that’s right, 6 months of solid commitment.
If this is just a summer romance or a rebound keep the kids out of
this. See your fling when your kids are with their other parents or
sleeping over at their friend’s homes.
2) Is your new partner too eager to meet your kids or too eager to introduce you to their kids?
Being too eager to meet our kids after a few dates can be a warning
sign. What’s the rush? Yes, it’s important for your new partner gets
along with your children but keep your children’s best interest at heart
and ensure this romance is going to last. It’s too painful for your
kids to meet a string of people coming and going in and out of their
lives.
3) Time Lines
Remember your children don’t recover from change the same way you do. Unless there was a lot of divorce discussion, your children probably did not hear about your divorce
until just before it occurred. Your kids have had less time to adjust
to the idea that their world is changing. You can’t expect your kids to
be ready for someone new in their life just because you’re ready.
Proceed with caution.
4) Take advantage of your shared custody
Schedule your dates when your children are with their other parent. This
gives you the privacy you need to develop a relationship, be intimate
and have adult sleepovers without getting your kids involved. Be
creative, schedule dates when the kids are at after school programs,
school trips, sleep overs at friend’s homes or trade off “play dates”
with another parent to give yourself time to socialize.
5) One Mom, One Dad
Reassure your children that no one will replace either of you. Kids do
worry that your new partner will replace their Mom or Dad or that you
expect them to call your new partner “Mom” or “Dad”. Your kids need your
reassurance that it’s OK for them not to love your new love but they
need to be respectful. This is especially true if your children are
older and have become accustomed to have you all to themselves.
6) Talk to your new partner about each other’s children
Both you and your partner may have kids. If you’ve decided this person
is a keeper, now is the time to talk about how you raise your children,
what are your house rules (his and hers), and your expectations for a
future life together. When two families get together it’s more like an
amalgamation then a blending of families. It’s important for you both to
understand the dynamics of each family. Have a long talk about family
expectations, discipline, money, education, holidays, vacations, and
anything else you believe is important. It’s a big deal merging kids and
families together.
7) Introduce your new partner slowly and in small doses
The day has come for your special someone to meet your children. Choose
an event where no one has to be not the centre of attention. Choose to
have the kids meet at an event that involves other adults, visit a
children’s museum or a kid friendly attraction or event, or head out for
a yummy treat. It’s best to keep it short and sweet for the first few
visits. Limit PDA or public displays of affection for the first 5 or 6
visits. You want your kids to get to know this person as your friend
first. Ensure your date knows your kids’ needs come first, so you may
have to head home if someone gets tired or sick and your attention will
be on your children and their enjoyment first.
8) Manage your expectations
Junior may not be enamored with your choice. Remember you don’t need
your child’s approval. If you’ve been single for a while, your child
may experience feelings of jealousy and anger. Go slowly so our children
can adjust to changes in your life and their lives. It really is up to
your new partner to build up the relationship with your child. Don’t
except your older child to be crazy over your partner right away. They
are old enough to express themselves. All children may feel conflict
between being loyal to their other parent if they “like“ your new
partner. It takes time for people to create new relationships. Give
them time and space to adjust to your new partner and to get to know
them.
9) Be open with your children
Communicate to your children in an age appropriate manner. Communication
with your kids involves both talking to your children in an open and
honest manner, and listening to their feelings and opinions too. Listen
to how they feel about your partner. If they are uncomfortable about
your partner, no matter how painful it is to hear the news, take the
time to understand how your child feels.
10) Time, patience & love
Make sure now that you have a new love, you don’t disappear on your
children. Yes, love is infatuating and we know how great it feels to be
held by someone who loves us. But make sure you spend quality time with
your children. Don’t be spending hours on the phone while your kids are
still awake. They still need you. Spending time with your kids reminds
them how special they are to you and helps your children feel that your
new partner is not there to steal you from them.
Remember it took time for you to build this relationship with your
new partner and it will take time for your children and your partner to
develop a special relationship as well. When it comes to introducing
your kids to your new love interest, wait, wait, wait. Proceed slowly
and give your children the time and attention they need from you.
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If someone loves you then they do. If they don’t then they don’t. That’s it.
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However, it is utterly painful to forget someone who doesn’t love you.
It’s hard to see that your LOVE is not returning the feelings to you.
If someone doesn’t have any feeling for you, it is hard to make them love you at all.
Moreover, if that person loves someone else then it is truly hard to make them love you.
Therefore, it is better to forget them and move on.
So how can you forget someone who doesn’t love you? Follow these tips.
1) Forgive yourself and then love yourself –
The first step you need to take is to forgive yourself. It may be
possible that your LOVE made you feel bad about yourself because you
loved them.
However, it is not your fault to love someone. You need to make
yourself believe that you didn’t make any mistake by loving that person.
Thereafter, you need to forgive yourself if you believe that you made
some mistakes which made that person not to love you back.
Once you forgive yourself, you need to start loving yourself for what you are. At first, it will not be that easy.
However you can come up with a list of your good traits which will help you to feel good.
2) Learn the correct way to deal with romantic rejections –
Rejections from the loved ones normally trigger a response which is very similar to withdrawing symptoms of a drug addict.
Loving someone who doesn’t love is also like taking a drug. You take drugs which weaken your body and willpower.
Likewise, you love that person just to make you feel worse.
3) Understand that you can’t control them –
It is important to understand that you can’t bully someone to like
you back, can you? The other person has the same freedom as you have.
There is only one person in this world on which you can have full control. And that person is you.
Instead of trying to control the other person, you should try to control your own emotions.
Don’t allow yourself to think about THAT person. Don’t dwell over
past. Control your emotions and then you will be able to forget THAT
person.
4) Invest your time on something else instead of seeing that person –
It is advised to avoid that person as much as possible. Give yourself
some space and invest your time on the other activities which don’t
require THAT person.
You have made them a part of your life. Now you need to take steps to
cut them off from your life. That’s the way to forget them and become
happy.
5) Give a good channel to your emotions –
Don’t make yourself full of bad emotions. This is an unhealthy act considering psychology.
Most people feel a great relief right after crying. Crying is a
method of your body and mind to release some unwanted and bad emotions.
Don't keep unwanted and bad emotions with yourself
for a long time. Instead, give them a channel to come out from you.
For this you can express your real emotions to yourself. Or you can
also express your emotions to someone who loves you like your relatives
and friends.
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When dating women
with kids, there are a few things you have to realize. Not only does
she have other priorities, you also have to realize you won't always be
the first thing on her list. Soccer games, ballet, taking them to trips;
these are just a few of the things a single mom has to do, when she is
caring for her kids alone. For men who are dating
women with kids, these are a few tips that can help you out, especially
early on in a relationship, to ensure things will work out, and to
ensure jealousy isn't a problem in your relationship.
1 Know you aren't her first priority -
Sometimes, you are going to come second, or even third. If the kids play sports,
if they are young and need attention at all times, if they are in
special activities or have a doctor's appointment, she has to tend to
these things first. By realizing you aren't the only person in her life,
and giving her room to take care of and be with the kids (better yet,
helping out when possible), will allow you to keep a happy, healthy
relationship.
2. Patience is a virtue -
You have to realize things will go wrong; when she has kids, this means:
- Doctor appointments.
- Babysitter cancelling last minute.
- School recitals and plays.
These are only a few of the many things a single mom has to deal with; when you are dating
women with kids, you must be patient. If you get mad every time she has
to cancel a date, or can't go out on a trip you planned, the
relationship is going to be short lived. Over time, you will get used to
these things. But, early on, you have to be patient, and not get angry,
when things don't go your way.
3. Don't be her second (or third) child -
A single mom has to move quickly, adapt, and already has children to
take care of; don't act like a child, and expect her to do the same for
you. Show her you can take care of things; help prepare dinner with the
kids if she is running late, offer to pick the kids up if she gets stuck
at work. Doing these small things not only shows you care about her
(and the kids), but also shows you are committed to making it work, and
want to be with her, regardless of what else is going on in her busy
life.
4. Talk about the kids -
You don't have to answer to dad, but you do have to show you have an
interest in kids, especially hers. When dating women with kids, it is
important to do things, and plan your dates and activities around them.
Invite them to a ball game, go out to the park with them, and plan
weekend dates, which include the kids. You have to understand she is a
mother first; when you show her you like kids, and have built a bond
with her kids, it will really help the relationship flourish, and will
allow you to move forward as a happy couple.
5. Give her space -
If she says she needs to take a few days off, or can't see you for some
time, let her have that space. Don't coerce her to get a babysitter, or
stay away from the kids; this will cause a divide. Sometimes, she needs
to spend time with her kids, and you need to allow her to do that. When
you start asking her to choose between you and the kids, this is going
to mark the beginning of the end of a relationship that you want to be
in.
It takes time, practice, and things won't always come easy, when
dating women with kids. But, if you really want to make it work, if you
want to be with her, and if you care about her, these are a few tips
which can help you out, especially early on in a new relationship. Not
all relationships are the same, but it is going to take some time to get
used to having the kids around, especially if you don't have, or have
never wanted, to have kids of your own.
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We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially when children are involved. Moving on after divorce can also be challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as well as with your children.
Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your
marriage. Having seen that relationship fail can make you insecure about
facing new relationships ahead. But if you take the time to go within,
learn from your mistakes, understand the lessons from your marriage and
determine new ways to approach future relationships, at some point you
will feel ready to step back out into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of breaking the news to your children.
Be Sensitive and Empathic!
Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to
talk to them about your starting to date. The rapport you have with them
and closeness within your own relationship with the kids will also play
a part in this difficult conversation.
Remember, your children are smarter than you think. They can pick up
on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to be
honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential partner
into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions on this
topic.
Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about yourself
and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind them how much
you love them, how important they are in your life, and that dating
has nothing to do with replacing them – ever! Explain that you will
still be the attentive parent you’ve always been and that they always
come first in your life. Be very clear that no one will ever replace
their other parent either!
You may need to have this conversation many times over several weeks
or months to give your kids time to digest the concept and express how
they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to ask questions and
share their opinions. Be patient and understanding of their
perspective, even if you don’t agree with it
.
Be Selective in Choosing Partners!
Don’t introduce your children to every new person you date. You can
let them know that you are going out with friends every once in a while,
if they ask, but don’t bring causal relationship partners into their
world. This can be confusing for children and disappointing for them if
the new partner they meet disappears or gets replaced a few weeks or
months later.
When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare
the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short intervals
together and let the exposure build over time. Ask the kids for their
feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with
them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened by the thought they are
losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger. How you approach adding a new
partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with the
children. So be careful, considerate and empathetic in all your actions.
Needless to say, make sure you choose a partner who treats your children
well.
Children who have close relationships with both biological parents
are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives without
distress. Because they feel safe in their relationship with Mom and Dad,
they are less likely to be threatened by a new adult entering the
picture. When one biological parent disrespects and disparages the other
parent, it puts the children on the defensive, making them much more
likely to reject a new relationship partner entering the family dynamic.
So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce.
Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will be
affecting your children. Putting yourself in their place will give you
insight into what it can be like to find Mom or Dad with a new partner.
Talking with a therapist or relationship coach can be quite helpful as
you transition into this next phase of your life.
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Few things in life are as difficult to recover from as divorce.
This is especially true when there are children involved. Whether you
wanted it or not, there are things you have to tackle if you want to ive a happy and fulfilled life after your divorce. While the road to happiness
may seem long, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. These five
tips will help you cope and start the next chapter of your life.
Take Time to Grieve
It is alright to grieve the loss of your marriage. Many people try to gloss over this grief
with distractions such as shopping, throwing parties, spending time at
clubs, etc…but it is difficult to cover up the feeling of loss with
momentary distractions. Take the time to grieve and process your
feelings. Unaddressed emotions tend to bottle up and spill over down the
road. Crying is OK, and you will be able to move on more quickly if you
have taken time to grieve.
Go To Therapy
There is no shame in seeking some help. When you seek help you are
actually demonstrating strength. You may need someone to talk to after
your divorce who
will help you tackle your issues once you are single. A professional
counselor may help to uncover issues that led to your divorce, and they
can give you coping tips for life.
Focus on Something Useful
If you have a job, you need to focus on your work. If you have kids,
you need to focus on your kids. You need to have something in your life
that is going to allow you to focus for at least a part of the day.
However, it’s important to make a distinction between doing something
useful and beneficial to your recovery and something that can ultimately
be destructive. Drugs and alcohol will only temporarily mask your pain
and may lead to potential addiction.
Do Not Lose Contact
If your ex-spouse is the mother or father of your
children, you need to keep in contact with them on some level. You have
to do everything you can do to remain amicable so that you can have a
good relationship for the sake of your kids. There are therapists who
specialize in this area of counseling, and you must remember that this
investment in your relationship with your ex can help you heal.
Date
Feelings of unworthiness sometimes creep in after a breakup, but
there is always someone out there who will love you for you. You have to
pick yourself up, dust yourself off and head back out on the dating scene. Now, no one is suggesting that you should go on a date the day
after you get divorced, but you should be willing to put yourself out
there. When you are dating,
you are taking a chance on yourself that you might not have taken
before. Often, it is your children and friends who are urging you to put
yourself out there because you may find love again.
When you are recovering from divorce, it’s important to realize that
the pain you are experiencing is temporary. While the light at the end
of the tunnel may appear dim, it’s indeed there, waiting for you.
Implementing these 5 tips will go a long ways to aiding in your
recovery.
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At times being a stepfather can be a rewarding, challenging and
disappointing experience. Like with any other endeavor worth pursuing
you have to be intentional about being a great stepfather. To be a great
stepfather requires maturity, perseverance and commitment. Underlying
these attributes must be a strong marriage where there is unity of
purpose regarding raising the children between the husband and wife.
Anything less than singular agreement will weaken the stepfather's role
within the family.
While each stepfamily has its own unique dynamics and circumstances
there are three things you can do to ensure you're a great stepfather.
Focus on Your Marriage. Statistics show one of the main causes of divorce in blended families is the stress of step parenting. As much as possible focus on your wife and marriage
and not the children. This will ultimately benefit everyone including
the children. If the children see love, respect and open communication
between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even
learn to model those qualities. Keep in mind early on this might not
necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren. In fact, they
may be threatened by it. Some children who hold a strong fantasy their
parents will reconcile will find your commitment a barrier to life as
they would have it. Taking good care of their mom will help get the
children to like you and maybe even love you the fastest. Set aside
"alone time" with your wife by making regular dates. Take their mother
out to do the things she loves doing and once in a while invite the
children to join in. A fun and enjoyable event for everyone is a great
catalyst for developing your relationship with the children. Be
sensitive to your wife is also mom and there will be times when she will
have to help or spend time with her child when you would really like
her to be spending time with you. Finally, never put your wife in a
situation where she has to choose between you or her children. She will
always choose her child.
Practice Patience and More Patience. Take your time when joining a
blended family. It is a complex family built out of a loss from death or
divorce resulting in the breakup of the first family. Don't expect your
stepfamily to work like a biological family. Given time close loving
relationships between all family members may develop but it also might
never happen. It takes time to develop common goals and values and
establish family history and traditions. Don't set yourself up by
expecting a close loving relationship with or acknowledgement and
appreciation from your stepchildren. This may not happen for many years
if at all. While you cannot expect instant attachment or love you can
expect to be treated respectfully. Model respectful behavior towards
your step children and let them see you set the example. Encourage trust
by never making negative comments about the biological parent or
siblings around your step children. Many stepfathers make the mistake of
establishing authority over their stepchildren too early and the
children will resent it! Let their mother handle the issues early on,
but be on the watch for opportunities where you can step in and allow
them to build some trust in you. This can transpire through casual
conversations where you can allow them to open up and share their
feelings with you. Present a unified parenting approach to the kids - arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you.
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Relationship with Your Stepchildren. Talk to the children's mother
about your role and ensure both parties understand and are in agreement.
At least initially your role is more of a friend or mentor rather than a
disciplinarian. Communicate to your stepchildren you're not their dad
and won't try to take his place. Let the biological (custodial) parent
remain primarily responsible for discipline until you developed solid
bonds with the kids. Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules
with the children and post them in a prominent place. This may diminish
custodial parent-stepparent-stepchild tension. Try to understand what
the rules and boundaries are for the kids in their other residence, and,
if possible, be consistent. A great number of stepchildren will have a
hard time accepting you and will often defy your decisions and cause all
kinds of problems within your blended family during these times it's
important to remember it's not about you. Your stepchildren's negative
reactions to stepparents are really about the child's losses and not
you. Keep your expectations low -your stepchildren may not respect you
or hold you in high regard. Remember they didn't have a choice as to divorce
and remarry. The drastic changes they are going through need to be met
with realistic expectations and understanding. Be approachable and
accessible to your stepchildren. Being a great stepfather will probably
require you to have your own support and feedback system. You shouldn't
expect your stepchildren to thank you for the role you played in their
life. Suggest viewing being a stepfather as a job where you establish
measures for your effectiveness. Additionally, suggest finding another
stepfather you can be accountable with and support each other.
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If we truly want to live a happier life, we must dig deep and learn to forgive. Forgiveness is the most precious treasure that we can give ourselves and each other.
When we are willing to take responsibility for forgiveness, we are guaranteed a life of peace, gratitude, wisdom, expansion and growth.
If not, we are destined to a life of blame, resentment, pain, self pity, guilt and anger.
To be truly happy, forgiveness begins with our self
first. Each time we beat ourselves up for the past, for mistakes or bad
choices that we have made, we stay trapped in a shell of toxic shame and
self–abuse.
Somehow we think that we deserve this. Maybe we were told that we
were bad as a child by a parent or a teacher and part of us believes
this. We believe that punishing ourselves will make us a better person
or a more humble person.
But this lie will never make us a better person. It will only keep us
prisoner to the shame that we continue to carry. Whether in the privacy
of our own minds or out loud for all to hear, each time that we
criticize ourselves for our own faults and mistakes, we are
participating in our own self-abuse. We are telling ourselves that we
are bad. We, in fact, become our worst enemies.
If what we desire is a
love filled life, we must learn to love ourselves first. That can only
happen with forgiveness.
“Although forgiveness
often looks like a generous gift we are giving to someone else, it is
ultimately an act of self-love and a gift we give to ourselves.”
Our resentments hold onto us like a ball and chain, keeping us
prisoner to our anger and to the person that we are so angry toward. We
think that we will show them by continuing to make them suffer. But we
are the ones who are truly suffering!
We continue to try and prove that we are right and ‘they’ are wrong.
Our righteous attitude keeps us locked up in our own misery.
We find a sick kind of comfort in this.
Our freedom begins with taking full responsibility for our part and…
… letting go of blaming others.
The power of forgiveness does not require that we agree with, condone or tolerate abuse or bad behavior. We forgive the sinner, not the sin.
By forgiving, we set ourselves free to create and receive so much more.
By forgiving others, we do not become doormats for them to wipe their
feet upon. It is important that we create and set strong boundaries for
those who would continue to try to take advantage of us.
True forgiveness
allows us to stop being victims and helps us to step into our power and
authority so that we will not make the same mistakes again.
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