25 June 2014

7 Critical Questions Stepdating Couples Should Consider and Ask Each Other

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You have enjoyed the romance and the commitment between you and your companion is steadily deepening. You have now reached the point where the two of you begin talking about how you will introduce your children to your companion.  Are you a single parent getting married, a divorced mom getting remarried, or a widow with adult children? These 7 critical questions will help raise your awareness of the issues to consider.

The next 7 steps will set the tone for the relationship between your children and their future step-parent.  Failure to plan is to plan to fail!

1. How long should I wait before telling the children I am involved in a serious relationship?
There is no easy answer to this question. Remember you are the expert on your own children. Take a moment to consider how your children, even adult children typically react to change.
Are the children flexible and adaptable, slow to accept change, or highly resistant or reactive to any changes in their life and environment?  Spend some time thinking of when your children last experienced a significant change in their lives. What approach did you use that helped each child adapt?  Children need time to grief the loss of their first family or loss of a parent. It takes approximately two years to complete the grieving cycle. So while you may be emotionally ready for a new relationship, your children may still be grieving.

2. What issues should I consider before talking with the children?
The ages, stages of development; and children with special needs require thoughtful planning.  Some parents think that babies and toddlers will not have any significant emotional reaction to having a new person enter their lives. In fact, the opposite is true; even very young babies sense and react to changes.  If your child has special needs is there a time when they should not be distracted by your happy news? Are there important tests or exams that they may already be worried about? For young children and those with cognitive challenges, think carefully about the words you will use to explain your relationship. Children have the strangest ability to misinterpret information.  Some professionals advise that you should not consider remarrying until your children are adults. I do not agree with this at all.

3. Do my adult children require special consideration?
In a word, YES!  Adult children definitely require special consideration. Some older offspring are not always happy when they find out their divorced or widowed parent is ‘dating’ and planning to remarry.  Two adult children in one family may have entirely different reactions: one positive and supportive the other becomes angry and resistant. This creates additional stress for everyone.  Adult children experience similar issues as do dependent children when it comes to step-families. However, they also raise issues that are different from those raised by younger children.

4. We both have children how should we handle the announcement?
If both of you have children will you inform both sets at the same time?  If you tell one group before the other, are you inadvertently setting up a situation where some of the kids are ‘in the know’ before the others?  Those who are told first may feel they are more important in the scheme of things in contrast to the other group. This may breed some resentment, feelings of inequality, and competition between the two groups at some point.  Carefully consider the timing, location, and manner of your announcement. Each parent should inform their children on their own. This will empower the children to express their feeling openly and allow you to respond with understanding and empathy.

5. Do I tell your former spouse or let him find out though the grapevine?
This really depends on your relationship with your former partner. If you are on friendly terms it become less of an issues.  However the children will inform your ‘Ex’ anyway, so it really depends how you would prefer they find out about your romance.  If your former partner is still carrying a torch for you, expect some type of reaction: it may be dismay, anger, and grief.  The manner in which you broach the subject with your Ex may also include planning how to prepare your children for his potential reaction.

6. Are there any other special circumstances I need to consider?
Children often fantasy that their parents will reunite. When they learn there is someone else in your life, they may be resentful, angry, dismayed.  Your announcement may trigger a sense of grief and loss that their hopes and dreams for a reunion are shattered.

7. There are some major changes in the near future should I still tell the children?
Timing is everything. Sensitivity to the underlying feelings associated with upcoming changes is critical.  If your children are already feeling insecure or uncertain you may want to delay the announcement for a while. Try to understand what is worrying them. It is too soon after the divorce or separation? Have the children had an opportunity to complete their grief work? Will the upcoming changes significant and will they challenge your children’s coping skills?  If you have adult children or teenagers what events are happening in their lives that will need to be considered?

Enjoy your romance because once you change the status of your romantic relationship to that of future life partner, you enter into unknown territory.

 The intent of the above 7 critical question is to encourage you to slow down and plan carefully.

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17 June 2014

Becoming An Effective Step Parent


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Today’s family portrait is just as likely to display a blended family as a nuclear family. However, with over 75% of adults with children remarrying and 60% of those marriages ending in divorce, mostly because of the children, indicates that something is desperately wrong.

Blended families today vary widely but what is most common between them is difficulty blending. To be an effective step parent involves a lot of hard work, time, prayer and to be frank, disappointments. The following are a few good tips for starting off down the right path:

1. Just because you are now married does not mean your new spouse should be given automatic rights to discipline your children. Most often, this is the start of family turmoil. The children should only be disciplined by their biological parent. The non-biological parent should serve as support to their spouse. Private conversations between the husband and wife regarding house rules and discipline should occur and agreed upon very early on. They should be shared and followed through with all of the children so they know what to expect, which diminishes feelings of resentment.

2. Spend time with your own children separately. This is especially important in the beginning. It will bring much needed comfort and security to your children. They need to know that they are still a priority in your life. It is very important that separate time with your children is carefully balanced so they don’t become confused about the union of their new family. As for family time, be sure to regularly plan outings and family time together, which fosters the blending process. Make sure these times are used for enjoying one another and bonding, instead of reprimanding for last weeks misbehavior.

3. Do not compete with the parental role of the same sex biological parent. The child needs to know that their step-parent is an addition to their life, not a replacement of their same sex biological parent. Encourage their love and loyalty to the absent biological parent.

4. Lower your expectations. Even after many years, in contrast to nuclear families, most blended families lack family cohesiveness.
 
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10 June 2014

19 Steps to Effective Communication in a Relationship

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1. See communication as an opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them down.

2. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap)

3. Define what is important and stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid fault-finding.

4. Communicate in ways that show respect for the other person's worth as a human being. Avoid statements which begin with the words "You never " or "I think you".

5. Be clear and specific in your communication. Avoid vagueness.

6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with "You always".

7. Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done.

8. Recognise that each event can be seen from different points of view. Avoid assuming that other people see things like you do. (Perception)

9. Recognise that your family members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the tendency to deny their observations about you - especially if you are not sure.

10. Recognise that disagreement can be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments.

11. Be honest and open about your feelings and viewpoints. Bring up all significant problems even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb another person. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences.

12. Do not put down and/or manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting, name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism, pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game.

13. Be more concerned about how your communication affects others than about what you intended. Avoid getting bitter if you are misunderstood.

14. Accept all feelings and try to understand why others feel and act as they do. Avoid the tendency to say, "you shouldn't feel like that."

15. Be tactful considerate and courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person's feelings.

16. Ask questions and listen carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing.

17. Do not use excuses. Avoid falling for the excuses of others.

18. Speak kindly politely and softly. Avoid nagging yelling or whining.

19. Recognise the value of humour and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing.

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5 June 2014

Single Parent Dating - Making It Easier

Are you a single parent who has decided to give dating another try? Do you know where to start and what to do? Want some good single parent dating advice? Now that you are divorced, annulled or separated, hooking up with other guys may be scary. There are so many "what if", "should I" and  different kinds of doubts running through your mind. You may be too afraid to step out of your  comfort zone because you don't want to get hurt again. Well you should smile. You know why? Because you can make dating happen and it won't even hurt you. Here are some ideas on how to find someone who can accept you and your current situation you are in.


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1. Make time for it.
You should be certain that you have enough time for it. You shouldn't try to go on a date between the soccer game of your child and piano recital of your kids. The guy may think that you don't have time for him. Besides, if you try to squeeze him in then there's a lesser chance for you to get intimate with one another. He understands that you have kids to raise, deadlines to meet in work and all that. You do have to remember though that you need to give room for him. Make it a point to spend time with him without even having to rush all things.

2. Have someone to baby sit your kids.
You should always keep a list of babysitters. You will need them on so-called "surprise dates".  You must have teenagers ready to be called at any given time. They are going to be like on-call doctors. They are ready 24/7. You won't have to worry as to who can take good care of your kids while you  are away. Make sure that you have a babysitter that you can rely on. You should have one that can manage your kids' tantrums and mischievous behavior. It will help your mind be at peace while you are enjoying the night out.

3. Don't be a free rider.
There's a reason why most men don't always enjoy dating single moms. The main reason in their head is that single moms are just looking for men who can take care of their financial problems. Hence, the term free rider. Since you said that you are ready to mingle, you should come prepared. You must not be broke. When both of you are out for a dinner, split the bill in half. It is much better if you willingly pay even though he doesn't want you to shell out cash. At least, you tried. He won't have an impression that you are just after the money. Don't let him feel the burden that he will have to work twice as hard because you have children. Don't let him get that impression. If you are on a tight budget, he doesn't have to take you in a fancy restaurant. Work around your budget. Both of you can just hang out in the coffee shop and talk.
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