Trying to Move On After Divorce

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Few things in life are as difficult to recover from as divorce. This is especially true when there are children involved. Whether you wanted it or not, there are things you have to tackle if you want to ive a happy and fulfilled life after your divorce. While the road to happiness may seem long, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  These five tips will help you cope and start the next chapter of your life.


Take Time to Grieve
It is alright to grieve the loss of your marriage. Many people try to gloss over this grief with distractions such as shopping, throwing parties, spending time at clubs, etc…but it is difficult to cover up the feeling of loss with momentary distractions. Take the time to grieve and process your feelings. Unaddressed emotions tend to bottle up and spill over down the road. Crying is OK, and you will be able to move on more quickly if you have taken time to grieve.

Go To Therapy
There is no shame in seeking some help. When you seek help you are actually demonstrating strength.  You may need someone to talk to after your divorce who will help you tackle your issues once you are single. A professional counselor may help to uncover issues that led to your divorce, and they can give you coping tips for life.

Focus on Something Useful
If you have a job, you need to focus on your work. If you have kids, you need to focus on your kids. You need to have something in your life that is going to allow you to focus for at least a part of the day. However, it’s important to make a distinction between doing something useful and beneficial to your recovery and something that can ultimately be destructive. Drugs and alcohol will only temporarily mask your pain and may lead to potential addiction.   

Do Not Lose Contact
If your ex-spouse is the mother or father of your children, you need to keep in contact with them on some level. You have to do everything you can do to remain amicable so that you can have a good relationship for the sake of your kids. There are therapists who specialize in this area of counseling, and you must remember that this investment in your relationship with your ex can help you heal.

Date
Feelings of unworthiness sometimes creep in after a breakup, but there is always someone out there who will love you for you. You have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and head back out on the dating scene. Now, no one is suggesting that you should go on a date the day after you get divorced, but you should be willing to put yourself out there. When you are dating, you are taking a chance on yourself that you might not have taken before. Often, it is your children and friends who are urging you to put yourself out there because you may find love again.
When you are recovering from divorce, it’s important to realize that the pain you are experiencing is temporary. While the light at the end of the tunnel may appear dim, it’s indeed there, waiting for you. Implementing these 5 tips will go a long ways to aiding in your recovery.

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Three Ways You Can Become a Great Stepfather

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At times being a stepfather can be a rewarding, challenging and disappointing experience. Like with any other endeavor worth pursuing you have to be intentional about being a great stepfather. To be a great stepfather requires maturity, perseverance and commitment. Underlying these attributes must be a strong marriage where there is unity of purpose regarding raising the children between the husband and wife. Anything less than singular agreement will weaken the stepfather's role within the family. While each stepfamily has its own unique dynamics and circumstances there are three things you can do to ensure you're a great stepfather.

Focus on Your Marriage. Statistics show one of the main causes of divorce in blended families is the stress of step parenting. As much as possible focus on your wife and marriage and not the children. This will ultimately benefit everyone including the children. If the children see love, respect and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities. Keep in mind early on this might not necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren. In fact, they may be threatened by it. Some children who hold a strong fantasy their parents will reconcile will find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it. Taking good care of their mom will help get the children to like you and maybe even love you the fastest. Set aside "alone time" with your wife by making regular dates. Take their mother out to do the things she loves doing and once in a while invite the children to join in. A fun and enjoyable event for everyone is a great catalyst for developing your relationship with the children. Be sensitive to your wife is also mom and there will be times when she will have to help or spend time with her child when you would really like her to be spending time with you. Finally, never put your wife in a situation where she has to choose between you or her children. She will always choose her child.

Practice Patience and More Patience. Take your time when joining a blended family. It is a complex family built out of a loss from death or divorce resulting in the breakup of the first family. Don't expect your stepfamily to work like a biological family. Given time close loving relationships between all family members may develop but it also might never happen. It takes time to develop common goals and values and establish family history and traditions. Don't set yourself up by expecting a close loving relationship with or acknowledgement and appreciation from your stepchildren. This may not happen for many years if at all. While you cannot expect instant attachment or love you can expect to be treated respectfully. Model respectful behavior towards your step children and let them see you set the example. Encourage trust by never making negative comments about the biological parent or siblings around your step children. Many stepfathers make the mistake of establishing authority over their stepchildren too early and the children will resent it! Let their mother handle the issues early on, but be on the watch for opportunities where you can step in and allow them to build some trust in you. This can transpire through casual conversations where you can allow them to open up and share their feelings with you. Present a unified parenting approach to the kids - arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you.

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Relationship with Your Stepchildren. Talk to the children's mother about your role and ensure both parties understand and are in agreement. At least initially your role is more of a friend or mentor rather than a disciplinarian. Communicate to your stepchildren you're not their dad and won't try to take his place. Let the biological (custodial) parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until you developed solid bonds with the kids. Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. This may diminish custodial parent-stepparent-stepchild tension. Try to understand what the rules and boundaries are for the kids in their other residence, and, if possible, be consistent. A great number of stepchildren will have a hard time accepting you and will often defy your decisions and cause all kinds of problems within your blended family during these times it's important to remember it's not about you. Your stepchildren's negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child's losses and not you. Keep your expectations low -your stepchildren may not respect you or hold you in high regard. Remember they didn't have a choice as to divorce and remarry. The drastic changes they are going through need to be met with realistic expectations and understanding. Be approachable and accessible to your stepchildren. Being a great stepfather will probably require you to have your own support and feedback system. You shouldn't expect your stepchildren to thank you for the role you played in their life. Suggest viewing being a stepfather as a job where you establish measures for your effectiveness. Additionally, suggest finding another stepfather you can be accountable with and support each other.

Want A Happier Life? Learn to Forgive

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If we truly want to live a happier life, we must dig deep and learn to forgive. Forgiveness is the most precious treasure that we can give ourselves and each other.
When we are willing to take responsibility for forgiveness, we are guaranteed a life of peace, gratitude, wisdom, expansion and growth.
If not, we are destined to a life of blame, resentment, pain, self pity, guilt and anger.

To be truly happy, forgiveness begins with our self first. Each time we beat ourselves up for the past, for mistakes or bad choices that we have made, we stay trapped in a shell of toxic shame and self–abuse.
Somehow we think that we deserve this. Maybe we were told that we were bad as a child by a parent or a teacher and part of us believes this. We believe that punishing ourselves will make us a better person or a more humble person.
But this lie will never make us a better person. It will only keep us prisoner to the shame that we continue to carry. Whether in the privacy of our own minds or out loud for all to hear, each time that we criticize ourselves for our own faults and mistakes, we are participating in our own self-abuse. We are telling ourselves that we are bad. We, in fact, become our worst enemies.
If what we desire is a love filled life, we must learn to love ourselves first. That can only happen with forgiveness.

“Although forgiveness often looks like a generous gift we are giving to someone else, it is ultimately an act of self-love and a gift we give to ourselves.”

Our resentments hold onto us like a ball and chain, keeping us prisoner to our anger and to the person that we are so angry toward. We think that we will show them by continuing to make them suffer. But we are the ones who are truly suffering!
We continue to try and prove that we are right and ‘they’ are wrong.
Our righteous attitude keeps us locked up in our own misery.
We find a sick kind of comfort in this.
Our freedom begins with taking full responsibility for our part and…
… letting go of blaming others.
The power of forgiveness does not require that we agree with, condone or tolerate abuse or bad behavior. We forgive the sinner, not the sin.
By forgiving, we set ourselves free to create and receive so much more.
By forgiving others, we do not become doormats for them to wipe their feet upon. It is important that we create and set strong boundaries for those who would continue to try to take advantage of us.
True forgiveness allows us to stop being victims and helps us to step into our power and authority so that we will not make the same mistakes again.

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How To Balance Your Family And Social Life

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Help for single parents is a necessity in today's society.  Household and Family Statistics reported that single parents accounted for 27% of family households with children under 18-years of age. And one out of two children will live in a single parent family at some point during their childhood.  It is noteworthy, therefore, to address the unique family and social needs of divorced and single parents.

Quality Family Time
The daily routine in most broken family households can be hectic. The majority of single parents work outside the home.  Aside from the need to re-establish some sort of normal daily routine to help children regain their footing, a child's social needs and quality family time are also important.
Because one parent now must strive to fill a two parent role at least during weekdays, spare time is precious. Creative ways to enjoy family fun and quality time together are a must.
Having children help with Saturday chores and errands, for instance, can be fun. It can also
provide opportunity for positive reinforcement of family unity and working together to accomplish tasks.
The sweet reward of a family picnic, watching a family movie while eating pizza, or another type of family fun is the perfect topper.

Helping the Insecure Child
Split households often affect children negatively; at least in the beginning. One good way to help an insecure child better adjust to the new family structure is to allow them to talk about their feelings.  Getting up early Sunday morning, for instance, and having breakfast together at the table provides an excellent opportunity for family talks. Turn the telephone off to reduce the risk of interruptions; omit television and other distractions. Each family member in turn should be encouraged to share what is on their mind.
Sprinkling praise with correction can help increase a child's self-esteem, which will help them feel less insecure; mix 2 parts praise with 1 part correction. For instance, (praise) "I really like the wayyou 've been keeping your room picked up," (correction) "Could you please try to keep your coat and boots in the closet where they belong," (praise) "Thank you, I really appreciate your help."

Single Parent Social Needs
Despite the fact you have your child's emotional and social needs to take into consideration, you also have your own. Juggling job and family without the help of a spouse can be taxing. By reserving time for yourself each week you reduce the risk of "burn out."
You also benefit your children by being happier and less stressed.

The tips below can help:
1. Accept the fact that there will be times when things are less-than-perfect. As a single parent you cannot "do it all," no matter how hard you try.
2. Don't feel guilty about seeking to fulfill your social needs. It is healthy for you and your children to enjoy alone time, and cultivate friendships outside the family.
3. Allow time for yourself each week; treat yourself to a movie with friends, go out on a date, have your nails done, or enjoy a bubble bath.
4. Benefit from contact with others who understand the challenges of being a single parent first hand. Join a local single parents group; or an online resource that connects single parents, for friendship or dating purposes.
 
Lastly, single parent dating calls for wisdom. Go slow; avoid persons who would make a poor role model for your children. Avoid introducing a date to your children prematurely. Allow yourself adequate time to get to know the person first.
 
Respect and honor yourself as a single parent. And above all else, respect your children's
feelings; help them to always feel they are an important part of your life.

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Find Time To Date As a Single Parent

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For a Single Parent finding time to Date could be a little challenging considering the commitments and responsibilities. So how should a Single Parent make the time to start dating again without taking too much time from other responsibilities? 

The following Single Parent Dating tips will help:

1) Social activities with family: For building an active social life along with children, there great many opportunities. The church or the community group that you attend to are great examples of a family activity with a social setting. The best part about a group social setting is that you get the chance to interact with a lot of people at once, and you can get a sense of who you might want to see again. This way, you're not taking away your time with children and at the same time not wasting time on someone you may not want to see again.

2) Lunch Dates: Lunch is a very non-threatening and non-committal setting for getting to know someone. There's actually very little room for either person to assume any hint of commitment following a friendly lunch. And lunch is something you might be stopping for every day, so you don't have to take extra time out from your busy schedule. So consider going for your regular lunch with someone you'd like to get to know better.

3) Meet at the Gym: There's no suggestion here that you seek out potential dates at the gym but once you've met someone you might like to get to know better, if you're both committed to working out regularly, plan to coordinate your gym timings.

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Rebuild Your Self-Esteem And Learn How To Heal After An Affair

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Knowing how to heal after and affair is just like a gift to you and to others around you. After you found out that your spouse or partner is cheating on you and details about the affair, your self-esteem has diminished and you don't believe in you anymore. But you have to know that the first most important step in rebuilding your relationship after an affair is to heal yourself.
This may seem selfish for you because you are used to take care of someone else first and then take care of your needs. It is normal to feel like that but you have to remain committed to resolving your own needs and values so you can understand better how to heal after an affair.

Here are 3 steps about how to heal after an affair and rediscover your lost self-esteem:
Step 1: Learn how to manage your negative thoughts to regain your self-esteem. Any relationship after an affair is not the same and it may never be like it was before and this has an impact on you on many levels. Learning how to heal after an affair is crucial in your fight and first you have to counter the negative feelings with positive self-talk that helps you move on.

Step 2: Start keeping a journal to have a record of your thoughts. Begin to create positive thoughts to counter the bad ones. You can boost your self-esteem by writing in your journal happy memories of yourself about moments in your past where your self-esteem was at a high level. This journal will help you keep the momentum for rediscovering yourself and how to heal after an affair.

Step 3: You must take action in order to rebuild your self-esteem. Build a vision of your future and how would you like to be and start taking daily or weekly actions that bring you closer to your goal. You know that you want to be happy, but you have to define what it looks like in order to find out how to heal after an affair.

So what actions can you take to help you move closer to your final goal and that is to be happy again? For example try to do something that you never done, and don't be afraid to try new things. Maybe you always wanted to learn how to bake artisan breads, go on a tour to ancient places like historical sites or maybe you want to go in a trip somewhere far away.  Plan it and do it and you will feel much better. This is an affective way how to heal after an affair.

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If you don't know how to heal after an affair other than taking actions to improve your live after your partner cheated on you, is the best way to rediscover yourself, what inspires you, what are your passions and everything about you that makes you feel good.

Whether you stay with that partner, or move on in different directions, you will discover many different aspects of yourself you didn't know about.  Ultimately by taking positive steps, you will take charge of your life and become a stronger person.

Single Parent Dating - Make It a Success

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A single parent has many issues to deal with alone. He/she has to deal with finances, work, family and house issues. There is hardly any time left for them to consider any personal relationship.  Moreover, it might not be easy to get into any relationship with the demands of the home, children and work.
 
Good Babysitter
If the children are young, the parent can engage a babysitter to enjoy a night out with friends alone. This will be a good break for him/her. A good babysitter will take the parenting
responsibilities away, albeit for a short while, from the parents. It is a breather space for the parent to be rejuvenated or de-stressed.

Understanding date
Finding an understanding date is another option for single parents who do not mind dating with children on tow. It would make a good 'family' outing as well as gauge the relationship between the date and the children. It is necessary to ensure that the date and the children are comfortable with one another so that the parent is not torn between the two parties.
A date can be a casual company for a time or two unless a serious relationship starts developing.  The date must then be clear about parenthood commitments if both parties choose to carry the relationship deeper.

Quality Family Time
If the single parent spends sufficient time with the children, showering enough care and love, the children will grow up secure and independent. There would be no hindrances from the children when the parent decides to go on a date. But if the children do not get enough love and time with the parent, feelings of insecurity may come on when the parent goes on a date and there may be difficult situations between the children and date.

Types of dating
It is difficult for a parent to be on a date after losing his/her spouse or having not been on a date for a long time. Hence, the types of date to get a parent dating again are important as the wrong types may cause the parent to turn away from future dates.

If the single parent is unfamiliar with the date, it is better to make it a foursome or group date
rather than the pair alone. Awkwardness may set in if the parent is not ready for a date or become emotional during the date.

Good dates would be casual interaction with another opposite sex with no demands and
expectations where both parties enjoy a night out on a common interest or activity. That would release the tension between the parent and the date.

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Differences Between a Step Family and a Traditional Family

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Many couples make the mistake of thinking their step family is no different from the traditional or first family unit. Failing to have a solid understanding of the significant differences between the two usually creates massive conflict and confusion.
Traditional families are born out of love, hope, and have strong biological and legal ties. The adults have time during the honeymoon period to establish family values, norms, roles and responsibilities, and to build a strong couple identity and relationship.

The children all live in one house and are members of one family unit. There are few, if any, loyalty issues. The children are treated equal; family and parental conflict is minimal. Family finances and inheritance are not usually issues.
Stepfamilies are born out of loss and grief due to family separation and divorce. Members of the extended family and community may not support the marriage.
There is no honeymoon period and the adults become 'instant parents'. The parent-child relationship pre-dates the couple relationship. These two factors make it very difficult for the adults to build the critically important couple relationship that is needed to stabilize the new family unit.

Not all family members of the stepfamily live in the same home and the children are often members of two or more families.  Planning family activities and events must take into consideration the children's other biological parent as well as visiting stepchildren.  Each adult feels differently about and is treated differently by the same child. There are complex loyalty issues and the stepchild may be hostile and reject the stepparent. Attachment and bonding may take years or may never happen between stepparent and stepchild.
The level of conflict in the stepfamilies is higher especially in the early years and is often related to finances, inheritance, child management, and differences in family values and culture.

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How to Read a Guy in 10 Minutes

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When you see a guy who takes your fancy when you are out and about, one of the talents you would love to have is to know how to read the guy. Most people would say that is impossible to read someone in any detail by only looking at them, but we disagree. There are many things you can learn about a man just by looking at him for a few minutes, and several key signs you can pick up on. These can help you understand when the guy is like without even talking to him, so you can know if he might be someone you would be interested in or not.

Appearance
The first and most obvious thing which you can tell about a guy by looking at him is his dress sense. You can tell if he is the kind of person who spends a lot of money on clothes and looks after himself, either by going to the gym or by using things such as hair products and fake tan. This can tell you if a man is indifferent about how they look, slightly bothered or far too into their own looks. Their appearance can also tell what they are like with money, if they are wearing designer clothes where the label is worth more than the product then you know the guy is either well off or likes to splash the cash just to act rich.

Personality
You can also find out a lot about a man's personality by observing them for a short period of time. If you know how to read a guy then you can easily determine whether they are a shy or confident person. A confident person will be talking a lot or imposing themselves on the conversation or situation. Whereas a shy person will not say enough and will often be the person laughing along awkwardly in the background. It is also easy enough to find out if they are polite or not, watch how they act. Do they hold doors open for people, hand people things, and simply give them respect while they are talking? All these things are strong signs of a man who will be respectful towards you and treat you right.

Interests and Hobbies
If you are very good at knowing how to read a guy then you will even be able to figure out their likes and dislikes just by looking at them. For example, a man who is clearly in very good shape obviously likes either going to the gym a lot or competing in sport, or both. Intellectuals can often be picked up by the way they are talking, do they seem to be leading the rest on a hot topic of conversation, or maybe they are being completely obvious by reading a book or the newspaper. Finally arty and creative people can also often be picked out by looking at them. They often like to dress in a unique way to make them stand out, and they often look at the things around them in a different eye to everyone else.

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Your Teenager - Should You Monitor Facebook Activities ?

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Are you concerned about what your teen is doing on Facebook? Not sure how much you should check on their online life? It can be confusing figuring out how much freedom you should give your teen, especially when it comes to the Internet. It's important that you do not come across as the enemy, otherwise your teen will be likely to do whatever they want in spite of your instructions. Social media has firmly injected itself as an important part of your teenager's coming of age, and as such should be treated with the same respect and caution as other milestones.

Keep Your Teen Safe
It's important that you let your teen know that not everyone online, whether on Facebook or other social sites, are good people.  Of course the majority are but there are a number of predators that actively seek out younger, naive users. In addition, your teen should be warned against the risks of exposing too much information about themselves, whether it is details about their school, their phone number or even their address. Most teens have been only surrounded by good people in their lives and have no real reason to suspect strangers or people they meet online, so it's really important that you stress that they must keep their private information private.

How Much Time on Facebook
If left to their own devices teens will happily spend hours, or even days glued to Facebook. It is, after all, a modern day extension of their social lives and social lives are usually the center of a teenager's universe. When trying to set limits for your teenager's time on Facebook you will be almost always met with defiance; keeping up to date with their friends has become the social norm for many teens.
Depending on what kind of devices your teen has, they might be connected to Facebook all the time by way of their phone. This is much harder to monitor and limit, but you can make rules that their phone must not be brought to the dinner table and that they can't sleep with their phones. Find out what works for your family and be firm about the rules, setting up a Home Contract if you need to ensure your teenager's compliance.

Facebook Friends with Your Teen
Many parents struggle with the fact that their teen does not want to add them as a friend on Facebook - this is obviously because they do not want their parent to see what they are getting up to or posting on there. Some parents are okay, and are happy to accept that in ways Facebook is like a personal diary, something that a teen should be able to have as private.
Other parents are a lot more concerned about what their teens are doing and feel that they should not have a Facebook page if they are not prepared to leave it open. Obviously this is a personal decision, something that will be very much dependent on your family and the dynamic that will work best for you.

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